Ten Things That SUCK About Getting Older… Seriously, WTF.

13 Jan


1.   Hair. On my face. When did the cute little blonde hairs that used to glisten on my face in the light turn into FUR? It was just summer of ’09 and you would only notice it if I was perspiring a little. But now, even in the shade, I’m …furry. And my nose hairs! All of a sudden, I notice at a closer look they have taken on a web like appearance. I now own a nose hair trimmer. Thanks Brookstone. Oh, and what happens while I sleep that when I wake up in the morning, there is one, long, thick discolored eyebrow. It’s thick and wiry. Seriously. I pulled the sucker out and it had a root. A ROOT!

2.   Being the taboo subject that it is, I thought it appropriate to put it in its place at #2. I’m talking poop, doodoo, bowl movement or as it’s known in my home, “shadoob”. Sometimes it’s days in between and that’s WITH the recommended fiber, oatmeal and Senna and still nothing. Then, in traffic, at night, my kids passed out in their seats. And it’s not a friendly, “Hey…” it’s a rude, “Right now, right here” kind of feeling. What to do. (That’s a story I’ll tell one day, never. I do take requests though). Moving on.

3.   Skin. And by skin, I mean break outs. Awesome. And it’s never just a few small ones in a cluster; it’s a few small ones all over and one BIG one. On your jaw line. You feel it a week before it actually arrives and then it’s there. Like a nipple. A nipple on your jaw line and it hurts to smile. Kills to laugh. Your certain everyone is staring at it, you watch as they try to NOT look at it. But you know that they know that you know they know it’s there. So you aim to take solace and leave wherever you are and quickly make the way to your car. But the wind makes it ache.

4.   Wrinkles. Fine. But at the base of your butt cheeks? Why? I’ve worked hard to stay fit. I was an athlete in College. I STILL work out 4 times a week, so what is that? My buns are there, but just under them, right where my thigh begins, is this little flap of wrinkly skin that no work out, no diet will ever make go away. Seriously. If I installed a zipper, I would have two little coin purses. I’m now in full understanding of the swim skirt.

5.    Okay. No shocker here. Periods. I mean, good God. Maybe I’ve been lucky enough to have unremarkable periods up until now. I had manageable cramping, rarely soaking through, the basic 3-5 days from start to finish. But now the period Karma has caught up to me. Ten days before it even begins, I’m not right. I’m in a mood and my back hurts. Then during, I’m tempted to wonder if I should call for help. And then it stops abruptly and I think phew! Then 1 day later it begins again, like it’s angry with me. I’ve heard this is “normal”, but I must say, there is nothing-normal going on.

6.    The Morning. I used to wake up refreshed. Toss my hair in a messy ponytail, throw some jeans, a t-shirt and some flip-flops on and I would be presentable for the day. But, NOW, it’s like I lift the lid off my coffin, like I’m crawling out of some crypt. My eyes are gooey and fuzzy. My hair is beyond words. It’s matted and knotted and looks shorter. My skin is dry and my BREATH. I mean, W. T. F.  I am a hygienic person. I brushed and flossed just 6 maybe 7 hours ago and it’s like my tongue is wearing a sweater. A stinky, old, sweater. THIS I don’t understand.

7.    You have full on panty lines, but you’re not wearing full on panties! I don’t have much else to say about this. Maybe it’s my butt wrinkles that are creating this illusion. But, no matter what kind of pants I’m wearing, there is a noticeable crease on my buns that could and SHOULD only be caused by full coverage panties. Only I’m wearing a thong. Discuss.

8.    You make grunting noises (and not the sexy kind) when you bend down to pick something up, or rise from the floor after a riveting game of Candy Land. This usually increases at the end of the day, though can begin as early as when you get out of bed in the morning. You also pull things. You pull things in places you didn’t know you had things to pull. Sometimes you pull things while you’re asleep. What’s happening? You wake up from a good nights rest, you make your move to the coffee and you can barely walk. Is it latent from the gym 3 days ago? Was I doing my Turbo Kick Boxing moves in my sleep? I understand you can crick your neck. But pull a hammy? Stumped.

9.    Sleep. What the heck is that? I realize you never really sleep well again after having children, but at all? There are a few nights a WEEK when I probably doze off for an hour or two until I’m rallied again to all the things swirling in my head. And even if I’ve got nothing going on up there, I’m STILL awake. I don’t even want to talk about the hot flashes. I’m not menopausal or even pre menopausal (I don’t think), but I can get super sweaty. Like, drenched. It’s disgusting.

10.  You say things in reference to your youth. Like, “When I was a kid…” or “Kids these days…” and yet, they are valid points you’re about to make. I knew I was in trouble when the other day, I was paying for a few groceries at the market and my total was $19.94 and I said, jokingly to the cashier, “Ah, that was a good year.” She stared at me like, “Oh okay, Grandma. Move along”.

One Response to “Ten Things That SUCK About Getting Older… Seriously, WTF.”

  1. Romo, John Romo. April 18, 2013 at 12:23 am #

    Love the coffin line. That image pretty much sums it all up.

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