My Kids Are Horror Movie Creepy In The Middle Of The Night

21 Apr

Most of the time my kids stay in their own bed. Most of the times, when I kiss them goodnight and say “see you in the morning”; I see them in the morning. But every now and then, they make their way out into the night to find me, which would be fine, but why can’t my son just call out to me or speak in a normal voice?

It seems, he waits until 3 am and then, slooowwwwwlllyyy pushes my bedroom door to the wide-open position, which makes a normally not squeaky door, creek a little. And he opens it so slowly that I can hear the door gently scraping the carpet as it moves, and then it’s stopped by the all and there he is. He’s just standing there, silhouetted by the night light in the hallway, holding his stuffed piggy by its ankle and it’s dangling at his side and he just STANDS THERE! In silence.

I sort of sense him, even before the door opens, so I’m already watching it from the corner of my eye and waiting to see if it’s one of them or my active imagination and I see him there. Frozen. In his own shadow, his piggy sort of swaying back and forth and I feel petrified for a minute by just how down right spooky he is and then he speaks. But NOT in a normal voice. He speaks in some weird, cryptic, pre-killing horror movie voice that sends chills up my spine.

“Mooooooom.” I don’t answer immediately, I’m not sure why, maybe I’m hoping he will go back to bed or I’m waiting it out so that I can look for a weapon to defend myself if necessary. Then, “MoooooooohhhhhM” he says a little louder in an uber scratchy, raspy whisper. What the fuck happened to his voice? I think. Then suddenly, his piggy drops to the floor and he takes one Frankenstein-like step towards me and says again in what can only be described as a death screech, “MOOOHHHHHHMM…” Ahhhh… I cut him off finally and sit up, “What buddy? What is it?” and I sort of wait, like he’s going to say something like “RedRum” or “I don’t like the seesaw Mama.” But then it’s like the light showed through and his voice returned to normal and his sweet self spoke to me, “May I please have some water?” and I’m in love with him all over again.

But, my little girl. She’s got him beat on the creep factor. She doesn’t even have the decency to stand at the door, she just comes right on up to whichever side of the bed my head is closest to and will stand there, so close that I can feel and smell her breath before it even registers that she’s there. And she will stand there, with her arms at her sides, her head, slightly tilted to one side like a bird or when a dog is trying to understand human words and she takes one of her hands and sort of fiddles with your pillow case corner and says, … nothing. I mean in all honesty, by the time I jump to her presence, I think HOW LONG has she been there? Like a minute or it could have been hours for all I know. So, I come to and acknowledge her and sort of jump back instinctively with my fists clenched and then SHE jumps back from ME, because my big reaction frightens HER and she starts to cry, “Mom! You scared me!!!!”… And I think, Oh, I scared you??? But of course, immediately I feel awful and grab her and cuddle her and keep it to myself that she almost got a karate chop to her throat.

The scariest night was what I call the “Double Creeper”. When she was both standing at the foot of my bed staring at me while ALSO being silhouetted by the hallway nightlight AND all I could see was that she had something sticky in her hands that made a sound like she was mashing bananas in a bowl and I slowly sat up and said carefully, nervous to hear the answer, “Whatcha got there sweetie?”…While trying to look around her for her brother, or the dog.  And she says sweetly, “My fart putty was under my pillow and got in my hair”. And my body relaxed.

Ok then. Fart putty. Good. Ok.

My kids are weird little creatures sometimes. Even just after they go to bed, I’ll be finishing the dishes and turn from the sink and they’re there! Either at the doorway or like, RIGHT behind me. And I feel a mix of primal fear then anger and then annoyance that I almost tripped over them. I mean, they are Super stealth and ninja like.

Maybe I should tie a little bell to their ankles at night so I can hear them coming.

Another reason to love Motherhood. Or to fear it.

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