The Internal Ranting Of An Otherwise Normal Mother During Morning Elementary School Drop-Off.

22 Apr

Okay. Look. I get it. I’m certain that you didn’t wake to birds chirping on your windowsill and handing you a cup of coffee and an outfit. I understand that you too were probably rushed out of the house, trying not to yell at your children. I get it. We are all rushed. We are all behind.

But there is an unspoken agreement between parents at morning school drop-off, a system. A system, that works. A system that IS hard to follow, especially when you hear the bell and you’re still 10 cars from the drop off point. But never the less, a system IS in place and if one of us fails it, if ONE person goes off and does their own thing; stops short of the drop off cone to let their kids out or turns unexpectedly? Shit goes DOWN. And it goes down, Fast and hard. And suddenly, morning school drop off becomes a total cluster fuck. And it just takes one. One narcissistic parent who feels at that moment, their kids or their job is more important than the rest of ours.

This morning was no different. And it took everything I had to keep my internal dialogue… well. Internal.

Like you, you weird stay at home hippy dad. I get it. I think it’s great that you are home with the kids and working on your music or getting your band back together. I don’t doubt that you do your part. I see you every day, I know you’re there for your kids, but would it hurt you to shower every so often?

Look, I dig a good hippy vibe, don’t get me wrong and none of this bothered me until you made that nine point turn in the middle of the street during peak drop-off minutes. Then I started to twitch as I hear the bell ring and your faded brown Pinto stalls out, infuriating every parent with the visual. I almost felt sorry for you, but then you flashed the peace sign out your window at everyone like some freaky jazz hands and actually took a moment amongst the honking to push your Willy Nelson hair out of your eyes, adjust your jean jacket and finally, pull over to the curb. But THEN, I began to really not like you when your kids let themselves out of the car onto the STREET side, almost getting hit and then I have to watch you yell at them for being so clueless, when it’s your fucking fault, man. But I guess that’s what you get when you name them after bass players from the 60’s and don’t have factory installed seat belts.

That’s over, but then!

YOU! You Soccer/Baseball/Football/over scheduled mom, in your giant Escalade with the shiny gold rims. YOU didn’t even bother with the curb, you just went ahead and stopped right in the middle of the street, leaving the driver’s side door WIDE open reaching out into the other lane, so that you could run around to the other side and let your perfect children out. How do I know that they’re perfect? Because you fucking told me so. With your “my kids on the Honor Roll” bumper sticker, along side the Happy family STICK figure stickers, which thankfully includes your dog and bunny, proudly stating you’re your last name under them, which if you ask me, SHOULD say. “Family of ASSHOLES”, or “The Dicks.”

And don’t you wave at ME on your way back to your car like you actually CARE that you just pissed off half of the school. And let’s be honest here and not kid ourselves. Yoga pants? Really? You really hit a nerve with me this morning so I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess by the full makeup, you’re not going to yoga or even speed walking anywhere or your foundation will melt off. And hey, why we’re talking inside my head, your yoga pants do NOT fit (tip: camel toes, bad) So, here’s my tip to you future dance mom, take the time it took you to put on your eyes this morning (I know you’re wearing lashes) and get into your car faster, so that you being late doesn’t totally ruin everyone else’s time.

And then there’s the worried mom in front of me. I’m now one car away to freedom for 5 hours. One car and I know the mom in front of me. She’s lovely. Truly. But I can’t help but feel irritated while I watch her desperately try to shove one last bite of food into her son’s mouth AS he’s exiting the car, WHILE brushing the back of his head with a comb, frantically trying to loosen a knotted ball of sleep which was actually pretty impressive. Like a nest. Then I started to laugh a little at the ridiculousness of it all. She’s leaning so far into the backseat from the driver’s seat, that she’s almost lying down completely, grabbing at him as he swats her hands away and her car starts to roll, so she’s forced to finally leave him be.

And it’s our turn. Phew. But as my son is getting out of the car, his backpack dumps upside down, with everything landing into the wet leaves just under the curb. And then I TOO am out of the car, running to his aide, waving my hand at the people behind me, now annoyed with ME… “Sorry, sorry” I yell as I wave at them. Then I kiss my kids, tell them I love them madly and get the fuck out of there.

One Response to “The Internal Ranting Of An Otherwise Normal Mother During Morning Elementary School Drop-Off.”

  1. 3stagesofgirl April 26, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

    Thank you for reading. I appreciate your comments. I would normally not comment back as it seems to fuel a fire that I create in some people..
    Just so YOU know… This “rant” was internal and not “real” in the real sense of the word. This particular morning, I was irritated and I’m rarely angry. In fact I was playing name the animal sound with my kinder and giggling as I thought of all of this…My children and my home is full of love, joy and laughter.
    There is NO ONE person, these people are fictitious.. They are a combination of a bunch of different women/types I see regularly. This is an observational HUMOR post.
    I understand that not everyone will get my sense of humor. I get that and I respect that. But I am a comedian, but a mom and friend first and mean no harm to anyone, which is why I don’t write about actual people. These are “types”…
    It’s okay if I’m misunderstood and it sucks that a few women are reading it wrong from me, but there is nothing that I can do. I have to be true to me and my style and my humor or I can’t live authentically. My only last thought on this and again, I know that you’ve been lovely to me in the past so I respond to you with grace, but I don’t come from a place of anger or resentment. I laugh and rant and joke and love and talk and hug and adore my friends and my life. If someone reads this and sees me as angry or mean, then i can only ASSUME thats’ the spot theyre in when reading it.
    Just like a misread text. A text can come into me from my boyfriend with a “what’s up?” and if I’m playful and having fun I can playfully write back “Whats up wit you??” But if I’m run down and kids are fighting and a check bounce, that text might irritate me…
    Does that make sense?
    You are RIGHT ON with tips to leave early and believe me I try. I’m up at 530 and out by 720… we live in LA and next to two major highways. There are good days and bad…
    I appreciate your time and comments. Truly. Thank you so much.

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