Ten Things I DON’T Want For Mother’s Day.

11 May

Blog after blog, article after article I’ve seen lists of the things that mom’s WANT for Mother’s Day and I agree with all of them. But when asked what I want for mother’s day, it was tough for me to answer. The various material items came to mind; foot sauna, massager, mother’s ring, new shoes, etc. AND the usual mom’s day activities; Mani/Pedi, spa day, big brunch cooked FOR me, hike, movie, etc. But besides the usual almost cliche’ Mother’s day treats I could ask for, I couldn’t think of a single thing that I really and truly wanted.
However, I knew exactly what I DIDN’T want. SO, besides the crafted gifts I’ve already received from their school and the Macaroni Necklace that is as long and detailed as a Rosary and weighs 14 pounds that I already have, I’m wanting for nothing. My kids will require some specific direction for Sunday and they asked me to make a list, like I have them do, when it’s their day. Here is that list.

Ten Things That I DON’T Want For mother’s Day:

1. I do NOT want you to wake me up before the sun rises. I do NOT want you to climb on me when my eyes are still shut with your little, tiny, pointy elbows and knees while they ever so slightly damage my kidney’s each time you do. I do NOT want you two to fight over the “cozy spot” in my bed because I always end up getting punched in the face, losing a clump of hair and then eventually getting up to avoid the madness and just go to the couch. I do NOT want you to fart and then laugh together as you pull the sheets over my swollen head and yell “Dutch Oven.” My son, I do NOT want you to breath on me first thing in the morning because it seems having the smell in your mouth every morning, like you licked a dead person’s coffin floor, is just your thing no matter how well you brush your teeth the night before.

2. I do NOT want you to cook. I don’t even want you to get yourself cereal because it seems no matter how “careful” you are, it looks as though a group of squirrels came into the kitchen and just sort of kicked shit around because they can. I do NOT want you to bring me juice. Yes, I love my O.J. first thing in the morning, but it appears that the OJ container is always WAY heavier than you anticipate it to be, leaving your little noodle arm to be yanked to the floor as you pull the Gallon out, thus spilling 3/4’s of it’s contents onto the floor. When you DO this anyway, I do NOT want you to clean it with the bathroom towels OR the clean bed sheets in the linen closet and certainly NOT the Egyptian Cotton blend ones. I definitely do NOT want eggs. I appreciate the thought, I do love my morning protein, but I’m fairly certain salmonella will be left all over the place.

3. I do NOT want to get the SOS pad or the Magic eraser to clean your booger wall. I actually never want to do that, but I do and I gently remind you that there are tissues RIGHT next to your bed. And I do NOT want to nod in understanding when you remind me that you’re asleep when you do it. I know this. I’ve seen this. It’s still gross. So, let me recap. I do NOT want to remove boogers from anything or anyone today. At all. Don’t even joke about it.

4. I do NOT want you to scream in pain like you lost a limb and/or bang on the door and/or ask me for a snack, while I’m in the shower/bath/on the toilet. I know you’re really okay, I know you know not to bang on anything and I know that you could have asked for a snack BEFORE I went in and I know that you wait for that precise moment to do those things. Gig is up kids.  So, for today, you will sit on the couch, wrapped in bubble wrap and stare at the wall for approx. 22 minutes. Can you do that for mommy?

5. I do NOT want any name calling. Maddox, your sister is NOT adopted, she is NOT retarded and she does NOT look sloth-like. Addison, your brother does NOT smell putrid (sans his morning breath), he is NOT cock-eyed and he only spits when he talks excitedly. I do NOT want any “lightly” smacking, “soft” punching or “barely touched her” shoving. Be kind to one another, I do NOT want to put either of you in your room.

6. I do NOT want to wipe any mooshy poop butt. I haven’t wiped either of you in years and I do not intend the RARE times I DO help out when it’s particularly mushy, to become acceptable. I don’t care if you get it on your hands or can’t reach the grown-up wipes, deal with it. Also, if you “shart”, I’ve showed you how to fold up your underwear, wrap them in toilet paper and throw them away! If this happens, you’re on your own. I do NOT want to even know about it.

7. I do NOT want to drive anyone, anywhere. I do NOT want to listen to Gangham Style or the Minecraft Parody version of Gangham Style. I do NOT want to play Candy Land, Uno, Twister, Barbies, Lollaloopsy’s or put together a Lego Ninjago motorcycle. I do NOT want to color or paint. I do NOT want my “hair did”, my makeup done or to be whacked in the head by/or squirted with a wacky floaty noodle in the pool. I do NOT want to play kitchen or make playdough animals. I MIGHT play the Wii, but if I do, I do NOT want you to kill the other one’s dude in the game just because it’s funny and/or a good death.

8. I do NOT want to eat the remains of your lunch time PB&J. I want my own lunch. I do NOT want to meticulously pull of the white part of your orange so that you will eat it and not choke OR hold the bottom part of your banana with that stick thingy in it (which we call the “bananus“), in my hands until I get up to throw it away. If you take a bite of something that’s gross, I do NOT want you to spit it into my hand or find it in a tissue between the couch cushions. I do NOT want to eat the crust off of your bagel. It’s NOT burnt, it’s crispy. YOU fucking eat it, it’s good for you.

9.  I do NOT want to have to feign excitement and pride in your drawing. The drawing that looks JUST like all the other drawings you’ve done every day for the last YEAR. I do NOT want to have to pretend that they are phenomenal, original works of art. They are not. You don’t suck, but your “people” look like mutant alien stick figures with third legs or two tails and one leg and googly eyes. And the “flowers” in your garden, though I see the improvement and the great use of color, still look like a bunch of angry cartoon vagina’s. And the moon isn’t fucking square; nor is it pink.

10. And lastly and possibly most importantly. I do NOT want you to whine or cry. At all. About anything. Unless you’re bleeding out of the eyeballs or see a mean person kick a puppy, there’s no reason. Your life is good, OUR life is good. I do NOT want you to think of the things that you don’t have. I want you to be totally aware today of the things that you DO have; like a mother, that loves you more than anything in this world and will do everything she can to ensure that YOU live a life full of joy and warmth. And, I DO want you to know that one of you is the left side of my heart and the other, is the right and together and ONLY together, am I whole. And I DO want you to know that when things are hard and they will be, we can and will always find the funny.

Now get to it and don’t be assholes.

One Response to “Ten Things I DON’T Want For Mother’s Day.”

  1. daphsamphotography May 11, 2013 at 7:16 pm #

    Very funny, and very true! Have a Happy Mother’s Day and I hope you get everything you don’t want!

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