Super Secret And Internal Thoughts. For REAL moms Only.

22 May

There are mornings, where I seriously ponder adding Kahlua to my coffee. Seriously.

Sometimes, I think it would just be better if we gave  the third one away.

Sometimes, when my husband leans in to kiss me, I have to consciously refrain from screaming, “Eeeeewwwwe.”

I secretly know that I’m a better mom than my friends are.

I smoked pot and then played Candy Land. And lost. Twice. Fucking Gingerbread Man Card.

Sometimes I’m glad when my son’s allergies act up, so that I can give him Bendaryl at night and he will fall asleep easily and early.

I like the dog better today. And HE shit on the floor. Twice.

One time, my son was being such a jerk, that when he stubbed his toe, I was glad.

I flip my kids off behind their back. A lot.

Sometimes, I’m THAT mom at Target; pushing a cart with one hand while holding a latte and on my phone catching up with a friends love life, while my kids run laps in the aisles and knock shit over. Sometimes I don’t care if I’m self centered and unaware. Sometimes, I deserve to be a total asshole.

Now that I’m out of the stroller phase, I really, really hate moms with joggers.

Sometimes, I wish I could send my kids to a homeless shelter for just one night; so they know how good they have it.

There have been many nights where I’ve cried myself to sleep over how hard this is and how no one told me how hard it is, but then I remember that they DID tell me and I thought it was just because they were a bad parent.

Twice now, it’s crossed my mind, when my daughter was having a complete meltdown that the neighbors would call social services.

Two kids are NOT easier than one and whomever said that should be punched in the vagina.

Sometimes it’s 2pm before I remember to brush my teeth.

I can get dressed under 30 seconds. Doesn’t mean I SHOULD.

Sometimes I wear my workout clothes all day and never actually work out. I just didn’t want to shower and attempt to look cute and then feel disappointed.

The fourth kid is rarely on purpose and usually gets the scraps of the gene pool.

I once flipped through the pages of a “Chico” catalogue and seriously considered an aztecian themed poncho.

I think my friends house is dirty gross.

I sometimes swear in front of my kids and I don’t care because it feels really good sometimes to yell out to no one in particular “FUCK!”

I DO have a favorite.

I think a lot of my friend’s kids are assholes.

I constantly eat Candy behind their backs and when they smell it on my breath, I tell them it’s my lipgloss.

4 Responses to “Super Secret And Internal Thoughts. For REAL moms Only.”

  1. Cheri July 15, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    Finally!! Someone who doesn’t sugar coat the whole thing and act like they’ve got fairy dust coming out of their ass. Cracked me up.

  2. upstairsproductions August 28, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

    Laughing out loud, giggling. Thank you!!!

  3. SaraJ July 28, 2015 at 2:36 pm #

    I think it’s an American thing now but this is the 2nd insane post I’ve read. Why do you let your kids do that? You need to discipline them. Go anywhere out of the States or the UK and you’ll never see a kid running around a store and they sit quietly in restaurants eating up all of their vegetables. Bend down to their level, look them straight in the eye and say “that’s not acceptable!” Don’t shout it, don’t scream it, don’t start getting all worked up. Just calmly discipline them. The kids probably never had proper structure because you’ve chucked yourself in the deep end. Whenever you have to tell it off just calmly bend down to it’s level and explain that that’s not acceptable. If you feel happy like it’s justice when your kid hurts themselves then you need to rethink your parenting.

    • 3stagesofgirl July 28, 2015 at 5:33 pm #

      Tongue in cheek. Not the real deal. Moments of expression for pure humor. I love parenting. I love my kids more than life. Being able to vent ridiculously is my saviour on tough days .. My humor is not for everyone 😉

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